Reasons I Don't Have Kids

                First of all, let me be clear, that this is merely my opinion from my own personal perception. There is a lot of pressure from family, friends, and society that says to be successful, one must get married and start a family. Now, I’m not one for doing things simply because that’s what is expected of me. I have this nasty habit of thinking for myself and making decisions based on my personal situation. I realize that there are a lot of baby makers out there that might think this is ridiculous… And to them I would say, I reciprocate that opinion. I have nothing against most kids and the people who choose to breed them, there are some, however that should have never been allowed the rights to their reproductive organs. I very well may have kids some day, I’m not a psychic. So, just in case, I practice from time to time. I’m not quite good enough yet, so we’ll just keep practicing… In the mean time, I would like to give a shout out to Trojan…

• Birth:
• Is that your nostril? Mind if I shove this pot roast through it? The whole idea of the birth process makes me cringe. Not only the pain that has to accompany such an event, but how about the aftermath of destruction on your lady parts? I reserve this area to only be treated nicely. I have enough trauma down there with simply being a woman and dealing with shark week every month. Also, shouldn’t birth be one of the first signs that this creature is trying to destroy you? Not to mention all the horror stories you hear about your hurt locker never being the same again! What's the saying? ... Throwing a hot dog down a hall way ...
• Pregnancy:
• As if the thought of birth isn't bad enough, you get to look forward to it for nine months. What sticks out for me, other than your belly, is not being able to drink or smoke for nine whole months! That might just be long enough to actually quit completely. Not to mention all the weight you gain carrying around that creature inside your guts. Of course in my case, without all the booze, I might actually lose weight while pregnant. And for some reason, complete strangers think they can walk up to you and touch your belly. This is fucking strange! I wouldn't let your filthy dick beaters touch my already born child, why do you think you need to touch it through my belly?
• Responsibility:
• Having a kid would totally change everything, and I'm already unsatisfied with my amount of responsibilities. No more having a beer at the crack of 10am, eating bar food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, sleeping off a hangover for twelve hours. For this reason, I think I'd rather be a single parent. Because then you at least have every other weekend to maintain some sort of tolerance.
• Sleep:
• I don't know about you, but I really like my sleep. And those poor little ones do not yet appreciate the value of it. They never want to take naps, go to bed, or stay in bed all night. This is where a Costco sized supply of benadryl would be an asset.
• Advice:
• As if I don't already try to limit the amount of nonsense imposed on me by others who know what's best for me, having kids would surely make it worse. You should lay that baby on it's side, no wait, you should lay that baby on it's stomach... Please, you people don't fucking know what to do either. Having mother-in-law advice in your ear all the time would drive me to violence... and booze... and drugs...
• Money:
• This is an obvious one, we all know offspring are expensive. But I bet it gets underestimated. Not only is the physical act of having a baby expensive, but then you have to buy the creature clothes, food, toys, therapy... Not to mention all the other stuff, like doctor's bills, school supplies, strollers, car seats... Do you even know how much strollers and car seats cost? Me either, but I think they're ridiculous. I probably couldn't afford it after having my tubes tied. So, my kid would have to be an indoor kid.
• Laundry:
• This one really scares the sex drive out of me. I HATE doing laundry, even for myself! You think your dryer eats socks now, wait until they are the size of... well, an infant's feet.
• Brats:
• We have all been around those little shit heads that you just wanna beat, and most of the time the parents are fucking clueless. They think their kids are perfect and that we can all make the world a better place by using our words. I have some words for those idiots... BIRTH CONTROL!! I would be afraid of my child being a shit head and embarrassing me. Doubt I would allow that, but I just know I'd get reported to CPS by some over protective pre-school volunteer. Better to just avoid that situation... Yes, I'll take a case of beer, two packs of Marlboro's, and a box of condoms.
• Wiping asses and noses:
• This is pretty self explanatory, even though people say when you become a mom it's not gross anymore. I would rather not risk that, because what if I'm so grossed out I can't do it? I would have to give full custody to my baby daddy... Wait, that's brilliant!!
• Getting sick:
• Sorry to say, but kids are the grossest little creatures. They catch everything, touch everything, never wash their hands, and spread their nasty germs to everyone. They are simply petri dishes with legs.
• Selfishness:
• There is a nasty myth out there that says not having kids is selfish!! Really? Because I think the opposite. I think I'm being very selfless not subjecting some poor creature into my nightmare. There are millions of kids out there that don't have a home or family to love them. Why can't one of those poor beings have a home? They didn't ask to be born to parents that don't want them or can't take care of them. So, in my drunken opinion... shooting out one of those creatures doesn't make you Mother Theresa or superior to any one else, it just means you got fucked!!

Again, I don't really have anything against kids, it's more their parents that bother me. Please people, discipline your kids, teach them manners, and tone down the self righteousness!! Oh, and take some time to drink beer and act like an asshole once in awhile...