Thanksgiving 2011: Operation Stiff Nipples

Thanksgiving 2011: Operation Stiff Nipples…

This Thanksgiving I will be going camping with my boyfriend, some friends, and some non-friends. I am calling it Operation Stiff Nipples for obvious reasons, no glass cutters needed! When I say camping, I mean in a camper with a generator, furnace, and hopefully the biggest camp fire you can imagine. When I say non-friends, I mean people I wish weren’t going. Also, when I say camping, I mean jeeping. Normally, I get a little nauseous in the jeep rides, which makes no sense because I don’t get sea sick. However, I plan on making the best of this dense idea. I will take Dramamine and drink copious amounts of liquor! Last year was so fucking cold, I had to keep my beers by the heater just so I could drink them and they were still slushy! This year is not supposed to be as cold, which means it will be wetter! Maybe, I can handle this, maybe I can’t, and maybe I will have fun! Let’s hope for the fun part, huh? My boyfriend, although this week he has become the stranger that eats and sleeps in the same house, is barbequing an entire pig for Thanksgiving! At least we will eat well! I am putting forth an incredible effort to be positive about this frigidly nauseous trip. I mean, I did spend a crap load of money on snacks and other food so we will be comfortable, that should at the very least earn me a few points. Now, regarding the copious amounts of liquor I plan on consuming, I need not tell you there will be Busch beer, even some leftover orange cans. Also, I’ve got some Kahlua, for coffee, some peppermint schnapps for hot chocolate, and some whiskey, for cocktail hours. Let’s just hope I have enough of each, I plan on not going without this year! The problem will be if my stranger decides he wants to help me with that alcoholic mission, but don’t worry I always plan for such events! My only concern with this much alcohol at my disposal is that I have been known to get a little mouthy, which would not be a problem IF I didn’t dislike a certain two people and their mutt for a dog! Actually, I like the dog much more than the owners, should tell ya something there. My best hope if such a mouthy event occurs is that they won’t be smart enough to decipher my sarcasm and witty insults. I am going to try to keep a can, glass, or bottle to my lips so that can’t happen. Seriously though, I hope everything goes smoothly and we have fun, and maybe the two I mentioned will not make me believe I could murder. I’m just kidding, I wouldn’t kill them, maybe a coma or something else so they can’t identify me. I will update after our trip… Happy Thanksgiving!! Hope you all stay warm and dry!!

Orange Busch Part 2...

Since my extreme disappointment regarding the Busch NA fiasco, I have still been on the hunt for these rare beautiful orange cans of goodness. I recruited the help from some friends and family in other parts of the state, since our poor excuse for a beer distributor does not carry the advertised orange Busch cans. I have them keeping their eyes peeled and to immediately buy the store out, if located. I have been back to the same shit store, only because they have cheap smokes, and to check on their Busch progress. As I was driving there one day, I passed another shit store that had the same orange Busch poster advertising for the 16 ounce tall cans in six packs. Again, this store does not carry said orange cans. At this point, I am feeling very victimized and frustrated. I have a goal to be the first person in the area to have these orange beauties, and the King Beverage fuckers are just toying with my emotions! So, naturally I called the distributor again, this time I was transferred to Bob, whoever the fuck Bob is, and he told me that they will NOT be carrying the orange Busch cans. Which, all I heard was “We are stupid assholes who do not appreciate this monumental event in Busch history.” I asked him why they are advertising for beer that they are not selling, and he acted confused, for which I told him there were signs around town advertising for the beer. He said he was sorry & would address the advertising banners. This was a sad day and I felt like all my efforts were for nothing and I would never get to hold such a beautiful thing in my hand, or belly. I’m sure all of you reading this are feeling quite bad for me and are wishing you could help ease my pain. Do not fear my friends, the very next night my good friend posted a picture of two, that’s right two, twelve packs of the most beautiful boxes of beer I had ever seen! As luck would have it, they were to be delivered to me across the mountains that very weekend! Now, I was so incredibly excited that the finish line was in sight. However, I tried to contain myself until I had physical posession. But all my dreams came true and I enjoyed the shit out of those orange gifts from God. Since then, I have also received about seven 24 ounce tall bitches from various humanitarians and have also received another beautiful twelve pack. I have been trying to prolong the consumption without letting the born on dates get too ridiculous, but my thirst usually over powers frugality. So, to sum up, I won… You can’t hold me down King Beverage!!!

Orange Busch!

Part One...

Recently, Anheuser Busch came out with Real Tree Camo cans that are mostly hunter orange with the Real Tree camo tied in. I assume that the great Americans that created these beer can designs did this in honor of hunters, beer drinkers in the woods that don’t want to get shot, drunk people with guns, invisible people with beer, and of course… hard core Busch lovers! However, I have yet to locate said Busch cans. I first learned about number one on my bucket list from a picture that a friend of mine posted on Facebook. And it was an actual friend, not the fake friends that you have to keep just to be nice, don’t get me started on that shit! Anyway, I started my research. I called every Anheuser Busch distributer within a 50 mile radius and received generic and vague information. Basically, nobody knew a fucking thing! I got on busch.com and immediately I see a picture of these orange blessings, so now I know they’re real! I send an e-mail using the website’s link… Basically saying that I need these beers and how can I get them. The following is the response I got within two days…

“Thank you for writing the crew at Busch beer! I love to hear from our friends. I’m glad you are a huge Busch fan. I would love to help you find a few cases of the Busch orange camouflage cans. The @Realtree camouflage cans are distributed by the folks at King Beverage. I just spoke with them and they tell me they are anxiously awaiting their delivery. They expect to receive the camouflage cans any day now. I recommend you give them a call next week to check the status and they can let you know where the deliveries will be. These awesome cans will be distributed through the mid December.

King Beverage Inc.94 Pioneer Street
Union Gap, WA 98903
(509) 452-2800

In case you are interested, you can read the complete story on the camouflage cans. Check out www.Busch.com and click on “HUNTING” on the top and the drop down for “TEAM REALTREE”. You might find some fun trivia facts to share with your friends.

Again Paula, thank you for writing us. Please let me know if I can help with anything else. In the mean time, I hope that you will join us in toasting an ice-cold Busch soon!”

When I got this, I need not tell you how impressed I was with the customer service here! So, the next week I call the local distributer again and ask them if they have got any orange Busch cans. Of course, the lady remembers me and says that they still don’t have any, she also sounds a bit judgy and annoyed with me. I really didn’t care about her, but I was really worried that I will be left out of this remarkable event in Busch beer history! The same day I stop at this crappy mini-mart for my daily supplies… Two packs of smokes and a 12 pack of Busch. As I’m about to pull in the sad excuse for a parking lot, I see a huge banner on the side of the building advertising the orange Busch cans. At this point, I am having a hard time holding in my excitement! I go to the beer cooler, and… NO ORANGE BUSCH!!! So, I grab my usual delicious 12 pack and dodge the white trash and illegal alien EBT card fuckers. I ask the owner, who I’m not so sure is a legal citizen either, what’s with the banner and no beer to match. He doesn’t know what the hell this redneck white girl is so excited about. So, now I’m holding up the line, and people need their corn dogs and 64 ounce fountain pops, so I leave a little sadder. The week after I stop for my standard supplies and the owner remembers me and tells me that he got some of the beer I was looking for. Holy Shit People! You don’t know how much I was trying to contain my excitement! He goes in the back and brings out a 12 pack of… BUSCH NA!!! I’m ashamed to admit that I think that was one of the most devastating dissapointments to date. So, I smile and tell him that it’s not right. I appreciate that he remembered me, so in this case, the thought did count. He said he would keep looking ... To be continued...

Facebook Statuses...

This will be an on going list of facebook status updates that I have used or intended to use. This first post is only back through August, with the newest being first. This will be a large list, which makes me realize that I may have too much time on my hands.

• Why do I have to press 1 for English? I’m still going to get someone who can’t speak it!
• I bet self checkouts were invented by a guy buying tampons.
• If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot!
• Instead of a "like" or even a "dislike" option, I'd like to know when someone reads my status update and just shakes their head disapprovingly.
• A psychiatrist conducted a group therapy session with 4 mothers. "You all have obsession..." To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating and named your daughter Candy", to the second mother, "Your obsession is with money and named your child Penny", to the third mother, "Yours is alcohol and you named your child Brandy". At this point the fourth mother gets up, takes her son's hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving".
• Lindsay Lohan should have to spend as much time in jail as we've spent hearing about it.
• My phone auto corrected "killed" to "kilt". Well plaid phone. Well plaid.
• If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable!!
• Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys in the door before the killer gets you.
• Some lady just told me that Halloween is Satan's holiday... Wish I would have known, I would have left milk and cookies out...
• Happy Halloween! Tonight I will be communicating with the spirits. And the liquors. And an incredible number of other alcoholic beverages.
• About to mail my check for $1500 to Nigeria for the $15 million lottery I just won! LATER SUCKAS!!!
• I have every intention to do as little as possible today...
• Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia...? Well, tough shit, I forgot it!!
• Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that's a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You're welcome...
• According to maxi pad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid.
• S-O-B-E-R: Son Of a Bitch, Everything's Real.
• Whenever I see an abandoned shoe on the side of the road, it makes me a little sad that I've never partied that hard.
• They're playing Earth, Wind, & Fire. I was not prepared to party this hard at Home Depot!!
• I sneezed and my bra unsnapped. I think this cold is trying to seduce me!
• Dear auto correct, stop tampering with my curse words, you mother forklift!!
• I wonder what Lady Gaga will dress up like for Halloween?
• Went to get new glasses today... I have to take my glasses off to try on frames, but I can't see without my glasses. So they all made me look really far away.
• I really hate when you’re standing in line and the person behind you stands so close that you can feel their breath. Subway is not the military, we really don’t need to be nuts to butts!!
• Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone’s mouth while they are talking?
• My co-worker accidentally drank from my coffee cup and said “Your coffee tastes like BEER”… Weird huh?
• If ignorance is bliss… More people should be smiling!
• Is it insensitive to call someone who is late for special Ed class tardy?
• Gosh! You compliment someone on their mustache and suddenly she doesn’t want to ring you up at K-Mart anymore…
• If you’re tired of everyone’s Facebook status telling you to copy and paste their status as your status, copy this and paste it as your status. I’m just kidding. Kiss my ass…
• Just saw a car with a mattress tied to the top of it… Prostitute making a house call?
• Those “No alcohol beyond this point” signs should say “Chug beer here!”
• For the next two days, my idea of a balanced diet will be a beer in each hand…
• Sometimes I wish I was a Disney princess… Mostly so that random animals would help me with housework.
• Remember the good old days when people robbed gas stations… Not the other way around?
• A real man is a woman’s best friend. He will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions. He will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible… No, wait. Sorry. I’m thinking of beer. It’s beer that does all that. Nevermind…
• Starbuck’s has a new 40^th anniversary drink that’s sugar free, fat free, and contains no whipped cream!! … Yeah, it’s called coffee people!!
• Bank of America is firing thousands of people. Hope they don’t fire that one guy whose counter is open.
• Today I accidentally hung up on a customer by slamming the phone down as hard as humanly possible.
• Billion dollar idea: Alcohol infused with birth control…
• Checked the height/weight chart… Turns out I’m not overweight, I’m just 4 inches too short!
• They need to change those Honor Roll bumper stickers to “My kid is in high school and I’m not a grandparent.” Now that’s something to be proud of!
• Alarm clocks would be more effective if they woke us up with something motivational like, “HOLY SHIT, A SNAKE!” or, “THE COPS ARE HERE, RUN!! Or, “THERE ARE ONLY TWO PIECES OF BACON LEFT!”
• WebProNews.com says that Facebook is turning kids into drunken stoners. What a bunch of slackers, the internet does everything these days, I had to do it the old fashioned way with booze and drugs!!
• Hi. I’m in a meeting at work. There are 31 ceiling tiles, 5 light fixtures with 20 fluorescent bulbs. That is all.
• Watching the septic guy pump out the oil water separator with his butt crack hanging out… At least the smell goes with the image.
• Does your ass ever get jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth?
• If Abercrombie and Fitch is paying douche bags to not wear their clothes, soon they will have a shit load of clothes and no money…
• Personally, I don’t believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice.
• Top Foods just went down a notch in my book. May 27^th Busch? Not cool! The guy looked at me weird too when I told him he had old Busch and I only buy fresh Busch, some people just don’t understand the difference between good and bad Busch!!
• I would like to thank my liver in advance for all the support this weekend. I couldn’t do it without you old friend.
• If drinking destroys your memory… What does drinking do?
• Politicians and hookers are the same. You can’t be either one unless you can pretend to like someone while you’re screwing them.
• People in smart cars look stupid!

Sleep Number

Ask me what it’s like to get the best sleep ever! So, recently I discovered my sleep number. It was 12 cans of Busch, the 12 ounce ones, and 2 cans of 16 ounce Busch. Now, I realize that some of you have made the assumption that this must have been a Saturday afternoon into Saturday night session. Not so, this wasn’t even a Friday night! This was in fact a Wednesday after work binge. Starting at about 4 and lasting until about midnight. Let me tell you, it was delicious!! The couple of nights prior, I did not sleep well so that also assisted in my drunken sleep abyss. Some of you might be thinking that I must have been pretty hammered, and that I cannot deny. But sitting on the couch in the dark, it’s difficult to tell how inebriated you are until you stand up. Which is why I try not to. Anyway, back to my night of sleep… My boyfriend went to bed at around 10, or beer number 11, however you choose to tell time. After I talked myself into realizing that it was quite possible that I would feel like shit in the morning, I smoked a cigarette and headed to bed. My boyfriend sucks at sleeping with someone, all his manners disappear as soon as he’s asleep. So, he has all the blankets twisted up, the top sheet is wadded into a ball at the head of the bed, he’s in the middle of the bed with two full grown labs on each side of him. I am used to this however, so I shoo the dogs off, shove him over and crawl under the piece of blanket I manage to wrangle from him. Normally, I probably would have put up more of a fight for some bedding organization and discipline, but I actually didn’t even care at this point. It was probably about 2.2 seconds after my head hit the pillow that I was out. I know, some would say “passed out” rather than “fell asleep” but screw you, it’s my story! Needless to say, I slept fucking great!! I woke up in the morning with that nasty cat shit in my mouth taste and was incredibly thirsty, but I felt rested. My boyfriend was on the couch because he said that a deaf person would have heard my snoring. I almost felt bad about that. Chugged about a gallon of water and swallowed two ibuprofen. Had a great day, and I give the credit to my sleep number!! Now, I can’t say with much confidence that my sleep number won’t change from day to day, but it’s a hell of start! Some days my sleep number might be eight Busch, or five Busch and three Mike’s Hard lemonades, which I lovingly refer to as bitch beer. On another occasion, my sleep number could be 100 proof!! Who knows, but I’ll never know if I don’t do the research, sometimes life is hard and you have to do the work to get the results you want. Do you have a sleep number?

Blogging Virgin

I am a first time blogger, but I have so many ridiculous thoughts in this head of mine that it seems therapeutic for me to get them out. This very well might fizzle out... on account of my lack of focus... on account of my drinking and smoking... on account of my awesome appetite for partying. I would like to heed a warning that I plan on this blog being an outlet and do not plan on taking any time to consider if it's offensive to anyone. If you are offended at any point, please by all means... Get over it! It's only offensive if you don't have a sense of humor! This would be a lot easier if I could copy my thoughts onto a word document and then edit for content and random nonsense, although the random nonsense is sometimes my best material. This will be a work of non-fiction and sometimes fiction, because the truth is not always funny. Speaking of funny, that is the intent of this little project, humor. With the help of my family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, & total strangers' actions & words and how I interpret and then convey them... This could prove interesting. More silliness to come. Enjoy!!