Reasons I Don't Have Kids

                First of all, let me be clear, that this is merely my opinion from my own personal perception. There is a lot of pressure from family, friends, and society that says to be successful, one must get married and start a family. Now, I’m not one for doing things simply because that’s what is expected of me. I have this nasty habit of thinking for myself and making decisions based on my personal situation. I realize that there are a lot of baby makers out there that might think this is ridiculous… And to them I would say, I reciprocate that opinion. I have nothing against most kids and the people who choose to breed them, there are some, however that should have never been allowed the rights to their reproductive organs. I very well may have kids some day, I’m not a psychic. So, just in case, I practice from time to time. I’m not quite good enough yet, so we’ll just keep practicing… In the mean time, I would like to give a shout out to Trojan…

• Birth:
• Is that your nostril? Mind if I shove this pot roast through it? The whole idea of the birth process makes me cringe. Not only the pain that has to accompany such an event, but how about the aftermath of destruction on your lady parts? I reserve this area to only be treated nicely. I have enough trauma down there with simply being a woman and dealing with shark week every month. Also, shouldn’t birth be one of the first signs that this creature is trying to destroy you? Not to mention all the horror stories you hear about your hurt locker never being the same again! What's the saying? ... Throwing a hot dog down a hall way ...
• Pregnancy:
• As if the thought of birth isn't bad enough, you get to look forward to it for nine months. What sticks out for me, other than your belly, is not being able to drink or smoke for nine whole months! That might just be long enough to actually quit completely. Not to mention all the weight you gain carrying around that creature inside your guts. Of course in my case, without all the booze, I might actually lose weight while pregnant. And for some reason, complete strangers think they can walk up to you and touch your belly. This is fucking strange! I wouldn't let your filthy dick beaters touch my already born child, why do you think you need to touch it through my belly?
• Responsibility:
• Having a kid would totally change everything, and I'm already unsatisfied with my amount of responsibilities. No more having a beer at the crack of 10am, eating bar food for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, sleeping off a hangover for twelve hours. For this reason, I think I'd rather be a single parent. Because then you at least have every other weekend to maintain some sort of tolerance.
• Sleep:
• I don't know about you, but I really like my sleep. And those poor little ones do not yet appreciate the value of it. They never want to take naps, go to bed, or stay in bed all night. This is where a Costco sized supply of benadryl would be an asset.
• Advice:
• As if I don't already try to limit the amount of nonsense imposed on me by others who know what's best for me, having kids would surely make it worse. You should lay that baby on it's side, no wait, you should lay that baby on it's stomach... Please, you people don't fucking know what to do either. Having mother-in-law advice in your ear all the time would drive me to violence... and booze... and drugs...
• Money:
• This is an obvious one, we all know offspring are expensive. But I bet it gets underestimated. Not only is the physical act of having a baby expensive, but then you have to buy the creature clothes, food, toys, therapy... Not to mention all the other stuff, like doctor's bills, school supplies, strollers, car seats... Do you even know how much strollers and car seats cost? Me either, but I think they're ridiculous. I probably couldn't afford it after having my tubes tied. So, my kid would have to be an indoor kid.
• Laundry:
• This one really scares the sex drive out of me. I HATE doing laundry, even for myself! You think your dryer eats socks now, wait until they are the size of... well, an infant's feet.
• Brats:
• We have all been around those little shit heads that you just wanna beat, and most of the time the parents are fucking clueless. They think their kids are perfect and that we can all make the world a better place by using our words. I have some words for those idiots... BIRTH CONTROL!! I would be afraid of my child being a shit head and embarrassing me. Doubt I would allow that, but I just know I'd get reported to CPS by some over protective pre-school volunteer. Better to just avoid that situation... Yes, I'll take a case of beer, two packs of Marlboro's, and a box of condoms.
• Wiping asses and noses:
• This is pretty self explanatory, even though people say when you become a mom it's not gross anymore. I would rather not risk that, because what if I'm so grossed out I can't do it? I would have to give full custody to my baby daddy... Wait, that's brilliant!!
• Getting sick:
• Sorry to say, but kids are the grossest little creatures. They catch everything, touch everything, never wash their hands, and spread their nasty germs to everyone. They are simply petri dishes with legs.
• Selfishness:
• There is a nasty myth out there that says not having kids is selfish!! Really? Because I think the opposite. I think I'm being very selfless not subjecting some poor creature into my nightmare. There are millions of kids out there that don't have a home or family to love them. Why can't one of those poor beings have a home? They didn't ask to be born to parents that don't want them or can't take care of them. So, in my drunken opinion... shooting out one of those creatures doesn't make you Mother Theresa or superior to any one else, it just means you got fucked!!

Again, I don't really have anything against kids, it's more their parents that bother me. Please people, discipline your kids, teach them manners, and tone down the self righteousness!! Oh, and take some time to drink beer and act like an asshole once in awhile...

Annoying Facebookers!

Annoying Facebookers

     Sometimes as I read through my news feed on facebook, I find myself scrolling down and saying things like, drama queen, stupid, bible thumper, sickly, douche… You know things like that, so I thought I should pin point why these people are annoying and make fun of them, as only a true facebook friend would! This is from my perspective alone, so you may not agree with all or any. I have used actual facebook status updates from my “friends” so you can be sure there are these ridiculous people out there. These are in no particular order, because I cannot in all fairness, choose an annoying winner!

The Hypochondriac

•  "Having a bad day. Not feeling well at all. I wish the doctor’s could figure out what’s wrong. I’m soo tired of this :( "
• "Not feeling so great, hope it’s not the cold that my boyfriend had. Tomorrows a busy day and I need to save some energy!"
• "Wide awake and miserable…”

Now, I can understand posting something short about catching a cold or having the flu, but does everyone need to know every time you don’t feel 100%? It’s incredibly annoying and makes me want to give you something to cry about!!

The Gamer

•  Mafia Wars - I assume you eat spaghetti, knee cap people, and buy drugs from Farmville farmers.
• Farmville - I assume you eat vegetables, ride horses, and sell drugs to the mob.

You know the person that never posts anything on facebook, but constantly sends you Mafia Wars and Farmville game invites? So annoying! You send me one more Mafia Wars invite, and we’re playing for real! Thank goodness you can block those invites, or my friends list would be much shorter.

The Inpirational Quoter

• "Keeping toxic people in your life will destroy even the strongest foundation."
• "Let your smile change the world. But don’t let the world change your smile."

This person is not what they seem. They post these inspirational quotes for what reason? Are they trying to make others feel better? I think not, these are usually the people that do stupid shit and blame others for it. So, they post these quotes to create the illusion that they are victims and deep down good people. Horse Shit! I would like them better if they just told everyone what stupid asses they were!

Debbie Downer

• "Don’t feel like doing shit today!"
• "UUGGHH!!! Just when you think things can’t get worse, they do!"

I find this person so incredibly annoying, I’m not sure why I keep them in my friends list. Every post is negative and depressing. Please, keep your misery to yourself, nobody cares that you hate your life!

Joint Facebook Profile

•  Ally Chris Porter-Ledden

I made that name up, to protect the stupid, but you get the idea. Husband & wife first names along with wife’s maiden and married name. Yeah, stupid right? I guarantee the husband in this scenario has never even attempted to log in to facebook and maybe doesn’t even know his wife is such an idiot!

The Illiterate

• "I just gotta say this YES I post very !!! opinionated topics on my FB even about the pass presidents as you scroll down my FB wall page!!! these are my & others thoughts of what we think!!! YOU DON'T LIKE IT!!!! " KISS MY REDNECK ASS " this is america !! & its freedom of speech!!! Iam a very educated person & great hearted person to those I care for!!! but I just take my life day by day. I believe in GOD and I pray & I will say MEERY CHRISTMAS because it "CHRIST''mas !!! always in my heart and soul."

I think this one example is enough, don’t you think? I actually feel somewhat bad for making fun of this person, but they kinda brought it on themselves. I love how they say they are educated, but the whole post negates that for sure. If you have to tell people you are smart, then you probably aren’t. Just like telling someone that you’re good looking, makes you ugly!

The Begger

• "I need two identical potted plants for my sons science!! Help!!"
• "I so need a pepsi. Who’s gonna bring me one?”

What the fuck?!? Seriously, get off your fat ass and get your own fucking pepsi!! Also, if you need two identical potted plants… Again, get off your fat ass and go to the store!! How lazy can you be? Do you do anything for yourself, or just solicit helpers?

The Mom

I don’t have any specific quotes to share with you on this one. But you all know the person I’m talking about. You know, the mom who stays at home with her kids and every post is about something they did or said, or how they shit their pants. Now, I am not saying that that I have anything against moms at all!! But I do believe that they were once a person of interests and other thoughts before they bore children. And seriously, just because you have kids, does not mean that you are superior than people that don’t I realize that people call babies a miracle, but it’s really not all that miraculous. Women have been having babies for hundereds of years, big fucking whoop!!! The picture below was posted by someone who fits into several of these categories and is going to be one of the reasons I quit this facebook nonsense.

The Bible Thumper

• "God's got great office hours: 24/7! You'll never get a busy signal; He will hear you and He will answer."
• "Whatever happens, God does what is best."
• "Please pray for us. We really want a new house."

I am obviously not a religious person, but don’t think I am picking on the thumpers for just that reason alone. This kind of goes along with the mom thing, do you have any thoughts of your own? I don’t have a problem with people being religious, but when it comes to the point of being obsessive, then I do. Really, we all know you believe in God and take no responsibility for you own decisions, because God knows best. But c’mon!! There has got to be more to life than worshipping the arguable existence of a higher power. I will respect any religion you choose to follow, as long as I don’t have to hear about it! And if I did pray to god, I certainly wouldn’t pray for material things! I would think god answers the prayers of people that truly need him, not for a new house!!

The Hot Mess 

• "Is it a bad thing to have huge walls up around your feeling and emotions?”
• "This town has too many shit talkers and drama starting little fucking birdies in it."
• "If anyone has a cure for a heartache. Let me know. And to all little birdies! Mind your own business mother fuckers!!!!!”

Ok, yeah so this person is a wreck!! Seriously people, don’t do this!! Don’t air out your dirty laundry for everyone to see, it makes you look weak and insecure. Facebook is not your diary!!

The Facebook Couple

• "I love my handsome husband!!”
•  "I’m hanging out with my hot wife!!"
• On Jim’s wall: “I love you honey, you are the best husband ever!!"
• On Jenny’s wall: “ I love you more!!"

Oh my gosh!! BARF!! This is truly disturbing to me, because why would you write love notes like that to your spouse on facebook, when I have to assume that you live together!! Not only that, but don’t you have each other’s phone numbers? Why wouldn’t you text or call them? I have to assume that these people might be insecure and need everyone to think that they have a great relationship. It’s strange and makes me cringe when I see shit like this!!

I am sure I didn’t cover all the annoying people out there, because I know there’s more!! I am biased however because I don’t generally like people. If I have missed any or failed to make a certain point about one of the above, please comment or message me. In fact, I may be annoying to you!! That’s just stupid though!

Thanksgiving 2011: Operation Stiff Nipples – Part 2…

            Well, as you can see, I survived! I have to admit that I did have fun and had a bad attitude before we left to go camping… Just to get that out there. We left Thanksgiving morning at around 7am, which was a little tough considering how many beers I had the night before. But I womanned up and got my ass in the truck. We had a few issues getting out of town, but were able to make it to our camp site safely. After starting setting up camp and starting the bbq for the pig, I realized that it was a holiday and it’s perfectly acceptable to start drinking before noon. So, I was thankful for beers at 10am! It started to snow and didn’t stop much until the next morning, but it was so beautiful and quiet. We saw some wild turkeys out in a field (the actual birds, not the whiskey), which I assume they were so brave because they could smell the pig cooking and not their own. Dinner was great, ate way too much and the combination of that plus all the beers I drank all day resulted in me going to bed at around 8. I also want to admit that the non-friends that I mentioned before weren’t too bad! Although, I find it extremely strange and uncomfortable when people you don’t know very well tell you incredibly personal things. Really, what are you supposed to say when an acquaintance tells you about her drug problems and how her boyfriend hides her existence from some of his friends? Response: “Hugs not drugs, but not from me” and “Score for you I guess.” Jeeping the next day was good, it was a nice day and the Dramamine, Kahlua, beers, and peppermint schnapps ensured my level of contentment and cheerful mood! We also stopped a lot, which I liked so I could rescue my beers from the cooler! We ate leftovers for dinner, and then it was cocktail hour, which I would like to thank that certain someone for giving me that half gallon bottle of Black Velvet! My beef cake broke his jeep on Saturday morning so he had to go to town to get some parts… exit path lit up! I sweet talked my way into leaving that day and going home. It was fun, but I was ready for a shower and my bed. So, I successfully pulled that off without causing beef cake too much disappointment, which was appreciated! Seriously, I am thankful for so many things, mostly people. I am certain that my quality of life would surely suck if it weren't for many people. I am thankful for my parents, who put up with my nonsense and actually think I'm funny. My brothers, who encourage my shenanigans and usually assist in such tom foolery. My dear sweet god sons, they amaze me! And, certainly the beef cake, I never knew anyone but my family could tolerate my on going nonsense, I am forever grateful for his patience and love! Hope everyone, or the three or four people that actually read this, had a great holiday and ate and drank too much like me!

Thanksgiving 2011: Operation Stiff Nipples

Thanksgiving 2011: Operation Stiff Nipples…

This Thanksgiving I will be going camping with my boyfriend, some friends, and some non-friends. I am calling it Operation Stiff Nipples for obvious reasons, no glass cutters needed! When I say camping, I mean in a camper with a generator, furnace, and hopefully the biggest camp fire you can imagine. When I say non-friends, I mean people I wish weren’t going. Also, when I say camping, I mean jeeping. Normally, I get a little nauseous in the jeep rides, which makes no sense because I don’t get sea sick. However, I plan on making the best of this dense idea. I will take Dramamine and drink copious amounts of liquor! Last year was so fucking cold, I had to keep my beers by the heater just so I could drink them and they were still slushy! This year is not supposed to be as cold, which means it will be wetter! Maybe, I can handle this, maybe I can’t, and maybe I will have fun! Let’s hope for the fun part, huh? My boyfriend, although this week he has become the stranger that eats and sleeps in the same house, is barbequing an entire pig for Thanksgiving! At least we will eat well! I am putting forth an incredible effort to be positive about this frigidly nauseous trip. I mean, I did spend a crap load of money on snacks and other food so we will be comfortable, that should at the very least earn me a few points. Now, regarding the copious amounts of liquor I plan on consuming, I need not tell you there will be Busch beer, even some leftover orange cans. Also, I’ve got some Kahlua, for coffee, some peppermint schnapps for hot chocolate, and some whiskey, for cocktail hours. Let’s just hope I have enough of each, I plan on not going without this year! The problem will be if my stranger decides he wants to help me with that alcoholic mission, but don’t worry I always plan for such events! My only concern with this much alcohol at my disposal is that I have been known to get a little mouthy, which would not be a problem IF I didn’t dislike a certain two people and their mutt for a dog! Actually, I like the dog much more than the owners, should tell ya something there. My best hope if such a mouthy event occurs is that they won’t be smart enough to decipher my sarcasm and witty insults. I am going to try to keep a can, glass, or bottle to my lips so that can’t happen. Seriously though, I hope everything goes smoothly and we have fun, and maybe the two I mentioned will not make me believe I could murder. I’m just kidding, I wouldn’t kill them, maybe a coma or something else so they can’t identify me. I will update after our trip… Happy Thanksgiving!! Hope you all stay warm and dry!!

Orange Busch Part 2...

Since my extreme disappointment regarding the Busch NA fiasco, I have still been on the hunt for these rare beautiful orange cans of goodness. I recruited the help from some friends and family in other parts of the state, since our poor excuse for a beer distributor does not carry the advertised orange Busch cans. I have them keeping their eyes peeled and to immediately buy the store out, if located. I have been back to the same shit store, only because they have cheap smokes, and to check on their Busch progress. As I was driving there one day, I passed another shit store that had the same orange Busch poster advertising for the 16 ounce tall cans in six packs. Again, this store does not carry said orange cans. At this point, I am feeling very victimized and frustrated. I have a goal to be the first person in the area to have these orange beauties, and the King Beverage fuckers are just toying with my emotions! So, naturally I called the distributor again, this time I was transferred to Bob, whoever the fuck Bob is, and he told me that they will NOT be carrying the orange Busch cans. Which, all I heard was “We are stupid assholes who do not appreciate this monumental event in Busch history.” I asked him why they are advertising for beer that they are not selling, and he acted confused, for which I told him there were signs around town advertising for the beer. He said he was sorry & would address the advertising banners. This was a sad day and I felt like all my efforts were for nothing and I would never get to hold such a beautiful thing in my hand, or belly. I’m sure all of you reading this are feeling quite bad for me and are wishing you could help ease my pain. Do not fear my friends, the very next night my good friend posted a picture of two, that’s right two, twelve packs of the most beautiful boxes of beer I had ever seen! As luck would have it, they were to be delivered to me across the mountains that very weekend! Now, I was so incredibly excited that the finish line was in sight. However, I tried to contain myself until I had physical posession. But all my dreams came true and I enjoyed the shit out of those orange gifts from God. Since then, I have also received about seven 24 ounce tall bitches from various humanitarians and have also received another beautiful twelve pack. I have been trying to prolong the consumption without letting the born on dates get too ridiculous, but my thirst usually over powers frugality. So, to sum up, I won… You can’t hold me down King Beverage!!!

Orange Busch!

Part One...

Recently, Anheuser Busch came out with Real Tree Camo cans that are mostly hunter orange with the Real Tree camo tied in. I assume that the great Americans that created these beer can designs did this in honor of hunters, beer drinkers in the woods that don’t want to get shot, drunk people with guns, invisible people with beer, and of course… hard core Busch lovers! However, I have yet to locate said Busch cans. I first learned about number one on my bucket list from a picture that a friend of mine posted on Facebook. And it was an actual friend, not the fake friends that you have to keep just to be nice, don’t get me started on that shit! Anyway, I started my research. I called every Anheuser Busch distributer within a 50 mile radius and received generic and vague information. Basically, nobody knew a fucking thing! I got on busch.com and immediately I see a picture of these orange blessings, so now I know they’re real! I send an e-mail using the website’s link… Basically saying that I need these beers and how can I get them. The following is the response I got within two days…

“Thank you for writing the crew at Busch beer! I love to hear from our friends. I’m glad you are a huge Busch fan. I would love to help you find a few cases of the Busch orange camouflage cans. The @Realtree camouflage cans are distributed by the folks at King Beverage. I just spoke with them and they tell me they are anxiously awaiting their delivery. They expect to receive the camouflage cans any day now. I recommend you give them a call next week to check the status and they can let you know where the deliveries will be. These awesome cans will be distributed through the mid December.

King Beverage Inc.94 Pioneer Street
Union Gap, WA 98903
(509) 452-2800

In case you are interested, you can read the complete story on the camouflage cans. Check out www.Busch.com and click on “HUNTING” on the top and the drop down for “TEAM REALTREE”. You might find some fun trivia facts to share with your friends.

Again Paula, thank you for writing us. Please let me know if I can help with anything else. In the mean time, I hope that you will join us in toasting an ice-cold Busch soon!”

When I got this, I need not tell you how impressed I was with the customer service here! So, the next week I call the local distributer again and ask them if they have got any orange Busch cans. Of course, the lady remembers me and says that they still don’t have any, she also sounds a bit judgy and annoyed with me. I really didn’t care about her, but I was really worried that I will be left out of this remarkable event in Busch beer history! The same day I stop at this crappy mini-mart for my daily supplies… Two packs of smokes and a 12 pack of Busch. As I’m about to pull in the sad excuse for a parking lot, I see a huge banner on the side of the building advertising the orange Busch cans. At this point, I am having a hard time holding in my excitement! I go to the beer cooler, and… NO ORANGE BUSCH!!! So, I grab my usual delicious 12 pack and dodge the white trash and illegal alien EBT card fuckers. I ask the owner, who I’m not so sure is a legal citizen either, what’s with the banner and no beer to match. He doesn’t know what the hell this redneck white girl is so excited about. So, now I’m holding up the line, and people need their corn dogs and 64 ounce fountain pops, so I leave a little sadder. The week after I stop for my standard supplies and the owner remembers me and tells me that he got some of the beer I was looking for. Holy Shit People! You don’t know how much I was trying to contain my excitement! He goes in the back and brings out a 12 pack of… BUSCH NA!!! I’m ashamed to admit that I think that was one of the most devastating dissapointments to date. So, I smile and tell him that it’s not right. I appreciate that he remembered me, so in this case, the thought did count. He said he would keep looking ... To be continued...

Facebook Statuses...

This will be an on going list of facebook status updates that I have used or intended to use. This first post is only back through August, with the newest being first. This will be a large list, which makes me realize that I may have too much time on my hands.

• Why do I have to press 1 for English? I’m still going to get someone who can’t speak it!
• I bet self checkouts were invented by a guy buying tampons.
• If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot!
• Instead of a "like" or even a "dislike" option, I'd like to know when someone reads my status update and just shakes their head disapprovingly.
• A psychiatrist conducted a group therapy session with 4 mothers. "You all have obsession..." To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating and named your daughter Candy", to the second mother, "Your obsession is with money and named your child Penny", to the third mother, "Yours is alcohol and you named your child Brandy". At this point the fourth mother gets up, takes her son's hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving".
• Lindsay Lohan should have to spend as much time in jail as we've spent hearing about it.
• My phone auto corrected "killed" to "kilt". Well plaid phone. Well plaid.
• If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable!!
• Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys in the door before the killer gets you.
• Some lady just told me that Halloween is Satan's holiday... Wish I would have known, I would have left milk and cookies out...
• Happy Halloween! Tonight I will be communicating with the spirits. And the liquors. And an incredible number of other alcoholic beverages.
• About to mail my check for $1500 to Nigeria for the $15 million lottery I just won! LATER SUCKAS!!!
• I have every intention to do as little as possible today...
• Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia...? Well, tough shit, I forgot it!!
• Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that's a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You're welcome...
• According to maxi pad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid.
• S-O-B-E-R: Son Of a Bitch, Everything's Real.
• Whenever I see an abandoned shoe on the side of the road, it makes me a little sad that I've never partied that hard.
• They're playing Earth, Wind, & Fire. I was not prepared to party this hard at Home Depot!!
• I sneezed and my bra unsnapped. I think this cold is trying to seduce me!
• Dear auto correct, stop tampering with my curse words, you mother forklift!!
• I wonder what Lady Gaga will dress up like for Halloween?
• Went to get new glasses today... I have to take my glasses off to try on frames, but I can't see without my glasses. So they all made me look really far away.
• I really hate when you’re standing in line and the person behind you stands so close that you can feel their breath. Subway is not the military, we really don’t need to be nuts to butts!!
• Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone’s mouth while they are talking?
• My co-worker accidentally drank from my coffee cup and said “Your coffee tastes like BEER”… Weird huh?
• If ignorance is bliss… More people should be smiling!
• Is it insensitive to call someone who is late for special Ed class tardy?
• Gosh! You compliment someone on their mustache and suddenly she doesn’t want to ring you up at K-Mart anymore…
• If you’re tired of everyone’s Facebook status telling you to copy and paste their status as your status, copy this and paste it as your status. I’m just kidding. Kiss my ass…
• Just saw a car with a mattress tied to the top of it… Prostitute making a house call?
• Those “No alcohol beyond this point” signs should say “Chug beer here!”
• For the next two days, my idea of a balanced diet will be a beer in each hand…
• Sometimes I wish I was a Disney princess… Mostly so that random animals would help me with housework.
• Remember the good old days when people robbed gas stations… Not the other way around?
• A real man is a woman’s best friend. He will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions. He will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible… No, wait. Sorry. I’m thinking of beer. It’s beer that does all that. Nevermind…
• Starbuck’s has a new 40^th anniversary drink that’s sugar free, fat free, and contains no whipped cream!! … Yeah, it’s called coffee people!!
• Bank of America is firing thousands of people. Hope they don’t fire that one guy whose counter is open.
• Today I accidentally hung up on a customer by slamming the phone down as hard as humanly possible.
• Billion dollar idea: Alcohol infused with birth control…
• Checked the height/weight chart… Turns out I’m not overweight, I’m just 4 inches too short!
• They need to change those Honor Roll bumper stickers to “My kid is in high school and I’m not a grandparent.” Now that’s something to be proud of!
• Alarm clocks would be more effective if they woke us up with something motivational like, “HOLY SHIT, A SNAKE!” or, “THE COPS ARE HERE, RUN!! Or, “THERE ARE ONLY TWO PIECES OF BACON LEFT!”
• WebProNews.com says that Facebook is turning kids into drunken stoners. What a bunch of slackers, the internet does everything these days, I had to do it the old fashioned way with booze and drugs!!
• Hi. I’m in a meeting at work. There are 31 ceiling tiles, 5 light fixtures with 20 fluorescent bulbs. That is all.
• Watching the septic guy pump out the oil water separator with his butt crack hanging out… At least the smell goes with the image.
• Does your ass ever get jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth?
• If Abercrombie and Fitch is paying douche bags to not wear their clothes, soon they will have a shit load of clothes and no money…
• Personally, I don’t believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice.
• Top Foods just went down a notch in my book. May 27^th Busch? Not cool! The guy looked at me weird too when I told him he had old Busch and I only buy fresh Busch, some people just don’t understand the difference between good and bad Busch!!
• I would like to thank my liver in advance for all the support this weekend. I couldn’t do it without you old friend.
• If drinking destroys your memory… What does drinking do?
• Politicians and hookers are the same. You can’t be either one unless you can pretend to like someone while you’re screwing them.
• People in smart cars look stupid!